I must preface this by explaining that I have a life-long
love of M&Ms. Since I was a
young-un, I have enjoyed every advertising campaign, and I have enjoyed every
variety of M&M. I have even fallen
for strange new packaging; "What?!
M&Ms in a TUBE??? I MUST have
them!" M&M advertising strikes
such a lovely chord for me, that in college, I had some plush M&M
characters adorning a portion of the wall in my dorm room in a lovely castle
(that's right, I was a princess for two years).
Furthermore, my love for M&Ms extends beyond the M&M sub-brand,
in that I think I love all the Martian chocolates (chocolate from Mars Bars*
would be Martian, correcto?)
Therefore, you can imagine my joyfulness and delight when I
saw the adorable and funny commercial regarding the new and very exciting
Caramel M&Ms. I acquired these new
M&Ms as soon as I could, and eagerly ate one. "Ugh, maybe I had a bad taste in my
mouth." I tried another, this time
biting half of it so I could gaze upon the lovely layers, as one does. I ate both halves slowly, being sure to eliminate
any pre-existing tastes in my mouth. My
palate was cleared of all but Caramel M&M.
The next one would surely be better.
I tried another, this time eating it like a normal person might, since, as
a not-so-normal, I can only guess what a normal might do. Still no good. I ate one more, for I became determined to
ascertain the cause of this bizarre lack of deliciousness. I ate this one more slowly and delicately,
trying to savor and separate the flavors in the three layers (caramel,
chocolate, and candy). "Ugh, the
caramel is gritty, and it's trying to
taste like yummy caramel, but isn't quite doing it right." That was it – the caramel is no good. How could the wonderful Martians that created
the Milky Way with all its delicious parts including delicious caramel, make
this caramel blunder?!
Mars Bars, please, if you are reading this, or even if
you're not, please fix it. Make the
caramel smooth and delicious, as caramel should be. I believe you can fix the disgusting
gustatory atrocities you dare call Caramel M&Ms. They are undeserving of such a beautiful name
and such a wonderful commercial. Red was right.
*I know Mars Bars is really just Mars, and I've never
actually had the thing called a Mars Bar, but Mars Bars rhymes, and I enjoy
things that rhyme, so that is how I shall refer to the Martian chocolate
company. I apologize for any
inconvenience this might cause.
