More Economics from a Dummy

The following has existed as an unpublished draft for more than a year with the second half added a few months ago.  Most of it is probably not relevant anymore.  Enjoy!

As I explained previously, I know just about nothing about economics and my interest in it is nearly non-existent as well, to the extent that I would rather learn about the cell biology of how grass grows or the quantum physics of how paint dries than about economics. However, I have been thinking a little bit about some of the things I put forth in my economic theory, and I think I need to add to it. Like most sequels, this is not as good as the first one.

Fun with Flat Taxes

One of the disjointed parts of my theory involved a flat tax for all. Recently, flat taxes have been the topic of ridicule via the ridicule of Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 plan. I learned about that plant from a chart someone posted on Facebook, and some googling I did later (though I apparently didn't save the links I learned from). It seems that Herman Cain would charge a 9% income tax for people and corporations, and a 9% national sales tax to either replace or add to state taxes. I’m not clear on the latter because I’m not clear on the difference between the apples and oranges he keeps talking about in the clips of debates I’ve seen on The Daily Show and/or Colbert Report (like this one). Herman Cain would also remove all tax deductions. Based on other clips of things I’ve seen on The Daily Colbert (here's one), it seems that Rick Perry also has a flat tax plan where he would charge 20% taxes for all while keeping tax deductions in place.  (Herman Cain and Rick Perry were Republican candidates who lost the primaries for the 2012 presidential election.  These now-obscure references are partially what render this blog posting no longer relevant.)

Obviously, Herman Cain and Rick Perry got these ideas from my blog, because there is simply no other possible explanation of how one could think of a flat tax or simplifying the overly complicated tax code. I spoke of a flat tax, as part of my three-disjointed-pronged economic plan that could easily make me president, and they took that idea and added some stuff that I do not approve of and never intended for. Please note: I am not crazy (at least in this respect), nor am I serious about having any part in Herman Cain’s or Rick Perry’s plan making.

Lots of people (well, at least one person) feel that Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 plan is a terrible idea, and I agree for the reasons those people state. Someone at the Huffington Post explained that it would end up taxing lower income people a bit more than they are currently taxed, and it would drastically reduce taxes for corporations and the very wealthy by a lot. I haven’t googled Rick Perry’s plan, but it seems like it might be an improvement on Cain’s plan.  Clearly, that’s quite an endorsement, since it is coming from my uneconomical brain via my blog-typing fingers, I mean digits (because digits are economically related!).

While Herman Cain’s flat tax plan is clearly not fair and good, I still believe that my flat tax plan could be fair and good. My plan is extremely vague, which leaves it open to suggestions from people who know about the economics. If you don’t feel like going back and reading about my plan, I will re-state it and de-Cain it here: We should pick some percentage, and charge that percentage of tax to all people. I don’t know what that percentage would be, but I would want it to be a fair one for all. Furthermore, this would only apply to taxable people, and says nothing about how to tax corporations. Despite what the Supreme Court says, I cannot include corporations in the semantics of “People”; my brain simply won’t allow it. Thus, how to tax corporations is another thing that is left vague in my tax plan for people smarter and more knowledgeable than I to handle when I become president. I’m kidding of course -- I still won’t run for president. Anyhoo, my tax plan would not have anything to do with sales tax, since I would never have thought of changing the way sales tax is, and after reading the Huff-Po article, it’s clear that it would be wrong to give the power of sales tax to the Federal Government. Regarding Herman Cain’s removal of all tax deductions, I think I would leave that vague also, because I think some deductions are good, so long as they don’t allow people to screw over the government via loopholes and abuses and such. Yes, I think that is sufficiently vague to ensure success.

Speculators are Evil! Eeeeeeviiiiiil!

One of the other disjointed portions of my theory states that commodities trading is wrong and should be eradicated. Later, it occurred to me that there is a precedent for my proposed illegalization of commodities trading: insider trading! Like insider trading, commodities trading hurts the whole economy while benefiting a few traders. I assume that is why insider trading is illegal, and so, commodities trading should be too.

Political Predictions

This does not in any way bring me to another disjointed, unrelated point.  This point is so unrelated, in fact, that it has very little to do with economics.  Jon Stewart delineated the bizarre doomsday-like predictions Republican presidential candidates make and have made in the past regarding the horrors that would befall this great land if Obama was/is (re)-elected.  He highlighted the bizarreness of these predictions by emphasizing that the previous predictions have not come to fruition.  This brought to my mind the predictions I made about what could happen if George W. Bush were elected president.  The difference, however, is that my predictions came true, except that W. was not actually elected (the first time anyway).

At the time of my correct predictions, this blog did not exist.  Instead, I had a verbal blog, i.e. I occasionally told people what my thoughts were.  Thus, I verbally pre-blogged (or “told”) at least one family member or friend (but probably more than one) that if George W. Bush became president, we would undoubtedly go to war, and the economy would suffer.  Obviously both things happened.

The economy thing could have happened anyway.  From what I barely understand, it seems that it is possible that the economy simply goes through cycles, and whoever is president at the time either gets credit for a strong economy, or is blamed for a bad economy.  However, I’m pretty sure President W. Bush caused all these economic problems we have now that I am trying to fix via this blog.  I know this because I heard during Mr. W. Bush’s campaign that he ran every business he had ever owned into the ground, so I naturally deduced that he would therefore run this country into the ground, since its economy is but a giant business (or so I assume).

I knew that Present W. Bush would bring us to war because he stated during his campaign that if anyone, in any way, attacked us or harmed us or whatever, we would go to war.  He said this in such a way that sounded to me as if he were looking to go to war, and would react to any trigger with war.  Clearly, that made me nervous.

So, to conclude, I was right, but I wasn’t making crazy predictions based on nothing; I was making accurate predictions based on things I heard during a presidential campaign.  Furthermore, I am a predicting genius!  But I sill won’t run for president!

Poor Weiner

Well, it seems another politician has another sex scandal. Often funny and friend of Jon Stewart Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted that he sent a picture of his weiner in his undies to a woman on the Twitter. He says he meant it as a part of a joke, and that he has done other inappropriate things on the interwebs and the phone, both before and after marrying his wife. He also says he has never met any of these women in person, clearly implying that the hyper-flirtation only happened from very long distances.

I think that as far as political sex scandals go, this is really quite ethical, assuming that Congressman Weiner is not still lying. It’s really nothing compared to Eliot Spitzer and his adulterous use of hookers, or Bill Clinton and the jobs he had his interns doing while he was married. As Congressman Winkie, I mean Weiner (sorry, I had to) said, he didn’t break any laws, and he will cooperate fully with an ethics investigation insuring he didn’t break any House rules. He also didn’t make his wife stand there with him while he confessed as some Eliot Spitzers did. He mentioned that his wife understandably thinks he’s an idiot, but is not divorcing his dumb a**.

I’m comfortable making these statements about Congressman Weiner’s relative morality, assuming that he is not still lying, because, like David Letterman, he took full responsibility for his immoral actions; he made a point to state that the woman who was the recipient of his bulging photo is not responsible for this at all, and should never have been dragged into this mini-scandal. His apologies, his remorse, his shame, and his tears seemed sincere to me. Of course, he could be a good actor, or I could be an idiot who feels bad when boys (or anyone) cry and take responsibility for their actions. Conversely, as much as I love Bill Clinton for his politics, his intelligence, and the nice things he does for the world, he is a good example of a disgusting immoral sex-crazed adulterer who tried desperately not to take responsibility for his actions.

Anthony Weiner didn’t admit to his tweet until, I assume, he realized his past inappropriateness was going to be disinterred. According to the NY Times blog, he made his announcement after another bout of inappropriate internet behavior from a month ago was revealed. Nonetheless, less than two weeks of lies followed by a full confession is really rather impressive for a politician.

If you’re sensing that I hold politicians to much, much lower moral standards than I hold normal humans to, you're absolutely right. Thanks to people like Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer, and probably millions more, I have learned to assume that all politicians are either evil in some power-hungry way, or are whores. Perhaps the hunger for power facilitates the slutty behavior, since the slutty behavior might simply be another way to gain or use their power. I don’t know if this hunger for power is a pre-existing condition for politicians, or if it’s something that happens after a person has been in politics and the power they are inherently given morally corrupts him…or her I suppose, but we never seem to hear about female politicians being adulterous sluts. Perhaps the direction of the power-politics causality depends on the individual.

Anyway, the point of all this is that while Anthony Weiner’s wife is absolutely correct in saying her husband is dumb, and while he clearly does have some moral issues, if he is not lying, it’s really nothing compared to the real sex scandals out there, and in my mind, it does not and should not affect his ability to do his job well, and to do good things for the world. If the far-more-sexually-immoral Bill Clinton could do it, then the much-more-moral-because-he-accepts-responsibility Anthony Weiner can definitely do it. I’m glad he is not resigning.

(Note: I added the link to Jon Stewart's coverage of this scandal after I published this blog posting.)

UPDATE June 14, 2011
Here's someone else who doesn't want Anthony Weiner to resign, and who also feels bad for the remorseful virtual adulterer.

UPDATE July 14, 2011


On June 16, Anthony Weiner unfortunately resigned.

Gaga Farming

My obsession with Zynga’s FarmVille has finally amounted to something undeniably worthwhile and wonderful, in that Lady Gaga and FarmVille have joined together for the best promotion ever. The awesome GagaVille promotion allows us farmers to listen to the whole Born this Way album three days early.

I absolutely love this album, and I think it’s the only thing I’ve been listening to for the past couple of days. About half the album made my brain rejoice immediately, and the songs that I didn’t instantly love grew on me very quickly. The songs range from good to amazing.

GagaVille itself is pretty awesome too; with all the cool crystals, unicorns, and electric roses, my Gaga-fied farm has become quite shiny, and the GagaVille farm is the most bizarrely beautiful farm ever. This promotion makes me wonder if Gaga farms too, and I bet she does! That makes me love her even more! It’s nice when two obsessions join together to form one ginormous sparkly obsession.

UPDATE: May 23, 2011

Now that this magnificent album has officially been released, I have discovered that what was streaming in GagaVille was not the whole album (that is if I’m remembering the stream correctly, which I might not be). Anyway, now that I have the complete album via my GagaVille game card (which also came with remixes of “Born This Way” and “Judas”), and now that I have the tracks rather than a trackless stream, I can tell you which specific songs are amazing, in my opinion. Yes, I realize I could have easily found the track listing and done this before, but I didn’t so stop complaining.

Before I get to that, I feel that I should address the “Express Yourself” similarity of “Born this Way,” since it was just brought back to my attention by Weird Al Yankovic’s wonderful and funny parody, “Perform This Way.” I have noticed that at least one other song on Gaga’s album also sounds reminiscent of Madonna’s “Express Yourself,” and I think that elucidates the probable intentionality of Gaga’s invoking of that song. A large part of Gaga’s message is to be yourself, to show the world who you are, and thus, to express yourself. Gaga was very obviously influenced by Madonna, and I had assumed that was the extent of the “Express Yourself” similarity, but hearing Weird Al’s allusion in the context of his parody somehow crystallized for me that the similarity is likely not accidental. I heart Weird Al, and I heart Gaga.

Getting back to my thoughts regarding the Born this Way album, the following songs are amazing, and I think they are the same ones that my brain loved instantly. I will parenthetically refer to track numbers on the regular edition (the special edition comes with three additional songs and some remixes):

“Marry the Night” (Track 1)

“Government Hooker” (Track 3)

“Judas” (Track 4)

“Americano” (Track 5)

“Hair” (Track 6)

“SheiBe” (Track 7)

“Bloody Mary” (Track 8)

“Highway Unicorn (Road to Love)” (Track 10)

“The Edge of Glory” (Track 14)

That leaves the other songs that I either instantly thought were really good, or that grew on me to become really good. These opinions obviously refer to how I feel now, and that could obviously change in the future; as I listen to these songs ten billion more times, they might grow on me more to become amazing (or I might get sick of them). Nothing on the album sucks, or is even less than really good. That said, these are the just-very-good-right-now songs, in my arrogant opinion (just kidding, it’s humble):

“Born this Way” (Track 2)

“Bad Kids (Track 9)

“Heavy Metal Lover” (Track 11)

“Electric Chapel” (Track 12)

“You and I” (Track 13)

The three additional songs on the special edition version seem to fall under the “just really good and not yet amazing” category, which might be why they are not on the regular edition.

“Black Jesus + Amen Fashion” (Track 9 on Special Edition)

“Fashion of his Love” (Track 11 on Special Edition)

“The Queen” (Track 15 on Special Edition)

I heart Gaga.

Jew for Jesus in a Dream

DISCLAIMER: NONE OF THE FOLLOWING IS INTENDED TO BE OFFENSIVE TOWARD ANYONE OF ANY RELIGION.

I had the strangest dream a few months ago. I have strange dreams at times, amidst the boring and mundane ones, but this one could win a strange award, as far as my dreams go anyway.

As this bizarre dream began, I was walking across a very busy street. I think I was jaywalking actually. I couldn’t get safely across alone; I needed someone to help me. Someone (a regular person) was trying to help me cross this insanely trafficky street, with far-off shouts of “stop!” and “go!” With each step, the traffic became continually worse, and when I got halfway across, I felt like I couldn’t possibly make it the rest of the way, even with the far-off human guidance.

Just then, Jesus picked me up and carried me the rest of the way. I felt completely and utterly safe. Yes, Jesus, and please bear in mind, I am Jewish, or more precisely, I’m an agnostic Jew. Yet Jesus literally saved me in my dream.

In my dream, I knew it was Jesus, but he only partially looked like the traditional Christian, probably false view of what Jesus looked like. His head wasn’t very clear in the dream; actually, none of him was, but he had short hair (blonde I think), and he wore all white. SPOILER ALERT: LOST PLOT WILL BE MENTIONED NOW! While you might want to exclaim, “OMG! Maybe it wasn’t Jesus, but rather Jacob from Lost!” but that isn’t likely, as the rest of my description will illustrate. My dream Jesus was somewhat deformed in that his right arm and maybe his right leg weren’t really there and there was something that looked kind of like a drum instead (perhaps representing the little drummer boy?).

After he saved me in my dream, Jesus went on to help some other people. I don’t remember the details of who he helped or how. I said something where I referred to him aloud to other people as Jesus, and he said quietly to me, “No, don’t tell them I’m Jesus. Say G-d, or Orange.” I understood that he didn’t want his identity as Jesus revealed. I don’t remember anything else, and the dream might have ended there.

At first when I awoke, I couldn’t figure out why on earth I would have such a strange dream. I can’t emphasize enough that I’m a Jew, and an agnostic Jew at that. I don’t believe that Jesus was divine, and I don’t’ believe it’s possible to truly know if there is or isn’t a G-d at all (though I do tend towards faith). Nevertheless, in my dream, Jesus saved me, and made me feel completely safe and comforted, and I think at peace.

Later that day, I remembered some things that happened the day before that could explain the bizarre dream. I had eaten a truly delicious red orange (a Cara Cara navel orange) the night of the dream, and that is likely why Jesus told me to tell others that he is G-d or Orange. I suppose I felt the orange I had eaten was deliciously divine (it really was).


My orange consumption only explained one tiny aspect of my dream. Sometime after the Orange revelation, I determined that the divine nature of my dream came from Stephen Colbert. The night of the dream, I had watched an episode of The Colbert Report in which Colbert spoke of Bill O’Reilly’s certainty of G-d’s existence based on his lack of understanding of how the tides work. Neil deGrasse Tyson then came to Colbert's studio (via his wormhole of course) to explain that the tides are controlled by the moon, prompting Colbert to praise the Moon as G-d. When Tyson explained that the Moon is not G-d, Colbert praised Neil deGrasse Tyson as G-d, proclaiming “Neal before Neil!”

I think it’s clear then, that my Jesus dream was induced by Stephen Colbert and all his talk of who or what G-d is, and by a divinely delicious fruit. If I were a different person, I imagine my dream could have converted me to a Jew for Jesus, or even a full-blown Christian – not that there’s anything wrong with that. (Hey, look, by quoting Seinfeld, I inadvertently juxtaposed Christianity with homosexuality, and there’s nothing wrong with either.) But alas, I am just too practical (in terms of finding real-world explanations for my strange dreams) to put all my beliefs in one dream-woven basket.

The 2010 Emmys: The Good and the Evil

The title of this posting is clearly an exaggeration, in that what I will describe as the things that were not pleasing to me on last night’s Emmy Awards really does not qualify as evil. However, I feel this title is appropriate, since among the evil things is the lack of Lost recognition, and as you might know, I have written somewhat frequently regarding Good v. Evil on Lost. Isn’t it nice when I over-explain my writings? No? Oh, then you would hate when I over-explain jokes in real life (as opposed to bloggy life). Onto my Emmy induced thoughts!
The (Mostly) Good

Jimmy Fallon did a reasonably fantastic job as Emmy host. I was skeptical before the show, because there have been times where he has been lacking in the funny, presumably when he’s been overwhelmed with nervousness. However, he was quite funny for the most part, and he really did a great job. The opening Glee musical thing and the tribute to deceased shows (including Lost) were funny, entertaining, and very well executed. I also very much enjoyed the musical introductions to each section of awards. Jimmy’s non-musical words were also funny throughout the program, particularly the pro-Conan and anti-NBC remark. I would say that Jimmy did an excellent and flawless job, but there is one small portion of his hosting that renders such a statement impossible; the tweeted introductions for presenters were simply not amusing or well written. This is not surprising, since they were tweeted by regular, non-comedy-writer people. That is not to say there aren’t funny and talented regular people out there, but that is to say that believing that those funny and talented people could be found in time for a big awards show was probably not very wise. I had a feeling this wouldn’t go well, but I had hoped that the funny people out there on the Twitter would show themselves, but unfortunately, that was not the case. Jimmy Fallon, there is a reason that professional writers write things, and you demonstrated that nicely. It’s fun to find silver linings. Jimmy’s presenter intros that were written by professional comedy writers (presumably Jimmy himself) were well written, and some were definitely funny, particularly the intros involving Law & Order SVU saving the 10 P.M. time slot that Leno left for dead, and Jimmy hugging his long lost father, Tom Selleck.

The (Mostly) Evil

Lost didn’t win things. Lost should have won things. Specifically, Michael Emerson (or at least Terry O’Quinn) should have won for Best Supporting Actor in a Drama, Matthew Fox (or at least Hugh Laurie of House M.D.) should have won for Best Actor in a Drama and Matthew Fox should have won for Hottest Drama Man Ever (and Seth MacFarlane would win Hottest Comedy Man Ever in this award show in my brain). Lost should have won Best Drama TV Show (or whatever that category is called), and I think the Emmy audience agrees with me since they seemed to cheer the loudest when Lost was mentioned. I don’t remember who won for Best Writing and Best Directing, but probably Lost should have won those too (yes, I could google it, but I am too lazy).

Glee should have won more things than it did. However, I’m very happy that they won Best Directing and that Jane Lynch won for Best Supporting Actress. It would have been nice for Glee to win Best Comedy Show on the TV, but since they lost, I’m glad they lost to Modern Family, another great show (though Glee is better). Speaking of Modern Family, I enjoyed the cute thing they did with George Clooney and Stewie. I would put that part in the “Good” section, however, I don’t have anything else to say about it, and it fits more nicely here.

Conan didn’t win. Conan should have won, not only because he deserved to win, and not only because it was Conan’s only chance to win for his work on The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien, but also because it would have been a nice, clear Conan-is-better-than-Jay statement to Jay Leno and NBC. Despite this loss, however, I do believe that the statement was made nonetheless; after all, Conan was nominated, but Jay was not.

Since Conan didn’t win, The Colbert Report really should have. As much as I love The Daily Show, and as great as it’s been this year, The Colbert Report is generally a better show, and the week in Iraq this year was certainly of Emmy-winning caliber. Since The Colbert Report also didn’t win for Best Funny Variety Show, I am glad The Daily Show won. I’m also glad that the guy accepting the award mentioned Colbert and Conan, and I’m glad that he reminded us that the people at The Daily Show are worthy of their numerous Emmys.

Best Comedy Album EVER!

UPDATE September 29, 2010
Myq Kaplan has become a cartoon!

UPDATE August 9, 2010 (08-09-10)
Myq Kaplan was a top 5 finalist on Last Comic Standing. I un-biased-ly (impartially?) believe he was the funniest one there. He should have won.

UPDATE August 10, 2010
Some evidence for my lack of bias regarding Myq Kaplan's superior hilarity can be found at Entertainment Weekly and The Examiner. For more Myq Kaplan fun, here is an interview someone had with him.
Update: Friday August 13, 2010 (Happy Friday the 13th!): Here is another rather fantastic interview.

This blog posting is extremely biased, because I think I’m cool because I know the subject of it, Myq Kaplan. So take my over-hyping with a grain of salt, and bear in mind that I would probably feel similarly even if I didn’t know him.


One of the greatest comedy albums ever was released this week: Myq Kaplan’s Vegan Mind Meld. I could listen to it a thousand times, and, like a good Simpsons episode, I would find it funny every time.

Myq Kaplan builds jokes as a master chef might build a delicious layer cake (please note: I have never built a cake, but I have seen Alton Brown build a cake on Food Network). Every line is a delicious layer; each layer could stand alone, and the layers come together and build upon each other to form delicious hilarity. Now I want some cake.

I went to college with Myq Kaplan, but I didn’t really know him too well; I’m an excessively shy freak, so I tend not to make friends with people (or, you know, talk to them), as much as I might want to. What I did know, however, was that he is hilarious, genuinely kind, and ridiculously intelligent. Myq was in all the funniest classes that I took in college – obviously his funnies had something to do with that, unless maybe Semantics is just naturally hilarious.

When I found him on Facebook about two years ago, I was very happy to see that one of the funniest people I’ve ever encountered had become an actual stand-up comedian – everything was right with the world. At the time, he was going to be on Comedy Central’s Live at Gotham. His success continued to grow; a few months ago, he was on The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien, and now (well, last night) he was on Comedy Central again, this time on Comedy Central Presents Myq Kaplan, which was obviously hilarious.

Myq Kaplan’s growing success brings me tremendous joy for two reasons: 1)A genuinely kind, talented, funny, and deserving person is gaining success, and 2) I know a famous person who I’ve seen on the TV three times. Therefore, as I said in the beginning of this blog posting, I think I’m so cool! Oh, also there’s a third reason: 3) His success means I get to hear and see his humor more.

Perhaps the title of this blog posting is a slight exaggeration, and perhaps it is partially motivated by some bias. However, all biases aside, Myq Kaplan and his CD are really quite funny.

I’m Still with Coco

UPDATE May 4, 2010: Conan O'Brien had a nice interview on 60 Minutes.

As everyone except me has known for more than a week now, Conan O’Brien will be on TBS this November at 11 P.M. I only found out the other day when the TV mentioned it; I guess that’s what happens when I don’t keep up with the Twitter or Facebook fan pages or the news in general.


As the title of this blog posting clearly states, I am still with Coco, and I think I always will be Team Conan. I heart Conan; he is talented, funny, and smart.

However, I’m not a big fan of this whole TBS thing. That is not to say that I wouldn’t watch Conan on TBS; I will definitely watch Conan wherever he goes. No one seems to know whether Conan chose not to go to Fox or if Fox chose not to reap the long-term benefits of having Conan, but I do think whoever it was who passed on a Conan-Fox relationship made a huge mistake. I’ve read that Fox might have chosen against having Conan in their late-night time slots because of contracts with lucrative syndicated reruns, and I understand why it would probably be better for Fox in the short term to say “no” to Coco. However, as a broadcasting layperson, I would imagine that Conan O’Brien could do for late-night Fox what David Letterman did for late-night CBS. As far as I knew, there was no reason to watch CBS after primetime (during the times when CBS has had good TV happening during primetime) before Letterman got there, but now, CBS is a prime destination during the late-night hours (for my DVR anyway). I firmly believe that Conan would have the same effect for Fox, though the situation is slightly different in that I do occasionally watch those reruns (such as The Simpsons) that I mentioned.

Speaking of those reruns, that is precisely what Conan will be following when he is on TBS. Obviously, that will be a better lead-in than Jay Leno was when Conan was hosting The Tonight Show, but Fox primetime programming (such as House MD) would be vastly better.

Speaking of lead-ins, it’s funny that Team Leno people, such as the author of this thing from Baltimore, recognize that Jay Leno was a horrible lead-in for the late local news, but at the same time, they don’t seem to get that Leno’s horrible lead-in abilities were the obvious and direct cause of Conan’s poor ratings while he was hosting The Tonight Show. That rather dim article praises Leno for leading in the late-night ratings now that he is back not being funny on The Tonight Show (rather than not being funny in primetime), not appearing to realize that The Tonight Show now has the ratings-causing lead-ins that Leno had always enjoyed but Conan’s Tonight Show never did. That article is filled with bizarre oblivion regarding Leno’s detrimental effects on The Tonight Show’s ratings when he was in primetime. Leno is not the ratings leader because of talent, likeability, humor, guests, or any other quality-related characteristics; it is purely because of the primetime programming that serves as the lead-in for the late local news, The Tonight Show, and Late Night. If Leno’s ratings truly did result from any kind of Leno-ness, then his ratings would have would not have sunken so low when he was in primetime, but obviously, The Jay Leno Show’s ratings were painfully low.

Getting back to funny and talented people, Conan O’Brien will do well no matter where he goes. Some have suggested that he can’t compete with The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and The Colbert Report (or Colbert Nation, what the article I just linked to incorrectly called it), but that really doesn’t make sense. The latter shows re-air several times the next day and can be viewed in their entirety online. Additionally, most people have DVRs or other ways to record the TV for later viewing, so people will watch all three shows, as well as Letterman. They will also watch Leno, but only because they will not have changed the channel after Law and Order.

Some people seem to be suggesting that Conan is pulling a Leno (my words, not theirs). The NY Post claims that George Lopez, whose show (Lopez Tonight) Conan will be bumping from 11 P.M. where it currently lives to 12 A.M., was forced to be on Team Conan. This claim has been denied by representatives of George Lopez and TBS. As far as I know, Conan has not responded, however, if this claim is true, I would imagine that it was not Conan who would force George Lopez to support him. If someone really did that, it would presumably be TBS executives. Regarding the Leno-Conan brouhaha, I have argued several times that NBC executives are more to blame than Leno, though a portion of the responsibility does lie on Leno. In this case, regarding the allegedly fake Conan support, there is a good chance that Conan is free from blame. However, regarding the actual moving of George Lopez’s show to a later time, obviously Conan had to be aware of that when he made his deal, and in that sense, one could (and has) argued that he is being Leno-esque. However, there is a vast difference between George Lopez’s show being moved and Conan O’Brien’s Tonight Show being forced to either move or be taken away. The Tonight Show is a television institution, George Lopez’s show is not; the former has been on before midnight for several decades, the latter has not. No offense to George Lopez, but I, and presumably many others, were only vaguely aware that he had a late night show, but everyone knows that The Tonight Show is on, and everyone knew that Conan was the host. Conan is only causing the time-shifting of what I imagine might be a rather unpopular show to a later time; Conan is not causing a firmly established, well-known program to be jolted out of its home, nor is he forcing its host to leave. The situations are very different; Conan is not pushing a popular program into a time slot where it will become less viewed, rather, he is increasing the chances that an unpopular show will likely gain popularity by being on after Conan, that is, by providing a healthy lead-in.

New Scrubs RIP

'Twas a sad day on March 22, 2010, when I gazed upon the Myface (Facebook) status of the great Zach Braff.

"Many of you have asked, so here it is: it appears that "New Scrubs", "Scrubs 2.0", "Scrubs with new kids", "Scrubbier", "Scrubs without JD" is no more. It was worth a try, but alas... it didn't work. Zb"

The end of New Scrubs wasn’t terribly troubling, simply because we had already been through what we believed was the end of Scrubs. We had been through it twice in fact: first, when NBC attempted to prematurely murder it, then again after ABC kindly resuscitated it for what was supposed to be a year to allow them to end the series properly, only to breathe more life into it for this, its real final year. Therefore, I was certainly prepared in that I had already grieved the end of the fabulous show; I knew we were on borrowed time. Nonetheless, I really enjoyed New Scrubs, and it was sad to see that it will not return.

I really liked New Scrubs, although when I first heard there was going to be a ninth season of Scrubs after what I thought was the real series finale, I was concerned. I was sure Scrubs was going to jump the shark the way Happy Days did when Richie Cunningham left and was replaced by his cousin or something (you thought I was going to say when Fonzie literally jumped the shark, didn’t you? Well you were wrong). However, Scrubs definitely did not jump any sharks at all, and there were indications that it wouldn’t before it premiered. Zach Braff seemed to have confidence in it, and I trust comedians, though I remained skeptical since all the entertaining people promote things they are a part of. Zach Braff also defended Scrubs’ continuation, explaining that New Scrubs would provide employment for numerous people. Furthermore, the Scrubs Myface (Facebook) fan page posted this article on Myface before New Scrubs began, where the author seemed to have concerns similar to mine, but was pleasantly surprised with what New Scrubs would bring.

When New Scrubs finally began, I discovered first hand that it definitely did not suck. It wasn’t just Scrubs without JD – it had changed enough, in the setting and with some new characters, that it was almost a different, almost-as-great show. Despite the slight changes, it still had a lot of the original Scrubsiness of the show, via some permanently returning beloved characters, some occasionally returning beloved characters, and the same amazing writing and humor that graced the first eight seasons. They transitioned beautifully into this New Scrubs; they allowed me to fall in love with the new characters as I had fallen in love with the original characters before. It was so perfectly done that they could have – and part of me feels they should have – made New Scrubs a spin-off rather than a ninth season. The new characters weren’t replacements or clones of other characters; there were some similarities, but the new characters were unique. For example, Lucy was not a clone of JD or Elliot, but she clearly exhibited some of their traits while maintaining her own unique and lovable characteristics. I love Lucy (hehehe, I think that’s why they named her Lucy), and I love New Scrubs. I would watch more New Scrubs if it were on. I will watch New Scrubs reruns where I find them on the TV and on the DVDs that I will buy.

However, I need a new show to replace New Scrubs – a new New Scrubs if you will. I was informed recently of a relatively new programme called Modern Family, and I was told I would love it, and that it is worth the addiction that would surely ensue. My informant was right; I watched one episode on abc.com, entitled “Fifteen Percent” (it was the oldest episode still there at that time), and I loved it. It was hilarious, with a bit of an Arrested Development-ness about it, and I already love many if not all of the characters. The reflective introspection that comes from the mockumentary style of it, as well as the lovability of all the characters give it a nice sense of Scrubsiness. I believe Modern Family shall be my new New Scrubs.

I encountered several fun surprises while watching Modern Family. First, Kristen Schaal showed up at the door of the show (I don't believe she is a recurring character), causing me to exclaim to myself (but aloud of course), “Hey, that’s the girl from The Daily Show!” Towards the end of the episode, I suddenly realized, and once again exclaimed aloud to myself, “Omg! That’s Al Bundy!” Indeed, the main character of Modern Family is Ed O’Neill. My excitement grew. As a side note, it’s nice that ABC is taking care of most of the Bundys; Al Bundy (Ed O'Neill) is on Modern Family, Kelly Bundy (Christina Applegate) is on Samantha Who, Peggy Bundy (Katey Sagal) has a recurring role on Lost; where is Bud Bundy (David Faustino)? Perhaps ABC should turn his web series Star-ving into a TV show, or give him some other show, to complete the Bundy fun. Getting back to the fun surprises on that Modern Family episode, at the end of the episode, I was shocked to see the 20th Century Fox thingie – this show is on ABC, but apparently is produced by Fox! That’s crazy! Finally, when I went to write this blog posting, as I searched through Zach Braff’s Myface page looking for the article above that I ended up finding on the Scrubs Myface page, I noticed that Zach Braff also enjoys and recommended Modern Family. Everything came together beautifully.

UPDATE May 26, 2011
At some point since writing this posting, I have discovered that the more accurate new New Scrubs is the funny and Scrubs-like Cougar Town, because Cougar Town is a Bill Lawrence creation, as were Scrubs and New Scrubs.

Disliked Worlds Collide

Two links have been sitting in a Word document for almost a month, waiting patiently to be turned into a blog posting. Sadly, those two links were forgotten until now, and now they have lost much if not all of their relevance. However, since I’ve been known to post out-dated things, perhaps it is not too late for these links to shine in one of my joyous blog postings. If you read to the end (before and including the update), you might get a relevant and timely surprise!

If this article is not lying, and I don’t believe it is, then The Tonight Show with Jay Leno falsely portrayed the audience response to Sarah Palin when she was a guest on the show. They replaced the audience's silence and sounds of dismay with canned laughter.

It is rather unfortunate that I’m not terribly surprised that Jay Leno and his people would commit such a vile act of falsely representing an audience’s reaction to create the illusion of comedy, love, and admiration in a vacuum of such things to aid a politician. I expect two types of people above most others to be ethical: comedians and scientists. Did you think I was going to say “politicians”? Really? Why would you think such a bizarre thing? I’ve learned not to expect politicians to have ethics or souls; that way, I avoid a lot of disappointment. Anyhoo, Leno’s (or whoever’s decision it was to edit the audience – since Leno’s name is on The Tonight Show, I will hold him responsible) ethical indiscretion is, in my admittedly strange view, on par with those scientists who screwed with the climate change data a few months ago. Scientists and comedians are people we should be able to trust; when either lies, it truly is a sad day.

Fortunately, in a world of lying Lenos, there are also truth-keepers in the form of satirists. Here, Jon Stewart talks about Palin’s Leno appearance, particularly about her crazy claims that Fox News is "fair and balanced."

As if the evil editing to make Sarah Palin appear more loved or less disliked weren’t enough, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno continues to commit evil acts of duplicitous editing today. The "I’m with Coco/Conan O’Brien" Myface (Facebook) fan page posted this article a few days ago, that tells of a brave and heroic Slash wearing an "I’m with Coco" pin that made a forcibly brief appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. It’s not surprising at all that Leno and his people cannot handle dissent. Somehow, if something like that were to happen on pretty much any other talk show, the host would go ahead and make jokes about it, because that’s what funny hosts do. Unfortunately, Jay Leno continues to not be the funny talk show host that I know he could be. Of course, the other talk show hosts I allude to would probably not find themselves in such situations, for most if not all of them would not have done what Leno did.

UPDATE April 11, 2010

These disliked worlds collided s’more on SNL; The Tonight Show with Jay Leno will be featured on The Sarah Palin Network.

NBC Just Keeps Making Things Worse

Well, so much for the reduced Jay Leno hatred. I’m sure everyone has seen NBC’s obnoxious ad for the return of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, with the contextually obnoxious anti-Conan lyric “Get back to where you once belonged.” Fortunately, someone corrected that ad with the more appropriate lyric “I’m a creep…I don’t belong here.”

Oh, Jay, you don’t belong there, you just don’t.

After all that Letterman did to try to help Jay, NBC had to go and ruin it. I’m not blaming Jay as much as I’m blaming NBC, because Jay is a robot, and apparently, robots aren’t yet capable of saying no to their network.

The Leno Saga Continues on the Super Bowl

David Letterman and Jay Leno, along with Oprah Winfrey, have come together for a rather funny Super Bowl ad for The Late Show with David Letterman. According to Late Show executive producer Rob Burnettt, all parties, led by Letterman, did it simply to entertain people. They have succeeded, assuming I am people.

The Super Bowl ad is sort of a sequel to Letterman’s 2007 Super Bowl ad with Oprah, following their pseudo-feud.

Of course, this year’s ad follows weeks of comedic clashes between Letterman, Leno, and Conan O’Brien regarding The Tonight Show and Leno’s insistence on hosting it without regard to its rightful host.

This Super Bowl commercial accomplishes two things that Leno was unable to do recently: reinstate his nice-guy image and be funny – or at least recognize what is funny.

Three Things that Irritated Me about Leno’s Oprah Appearance

Everyone seems to be upset with Jay Leno (I mean more than they were before) because when he was on Oprah on January 28, he admitted to lying. He explained that he told a white lie in 2004 when he said he would be retiring in 2009.

This lie isn’t what bothered me. I don’t think I really expected Jay to retire – I only expected him to move on from The Tonight Show. When celebrities say they’re retiring, I generally don’t believe them; I actually share Jay’s view on this, where he told Oprah that while he believes that Oprah believes she will be “retiring,” he doesn’t believe she actually will. Of course she explained to Jay that she has not said she’ll be retiring, rather she is just leaving her show, but the point Jay was making about celebrities in general is the view I share with him.

What did bother me – what drove me insane actually – was the following three things:

1) Leno, as usual and as expected played the victim; he did not take any responsibility for what he did. He refused to accept that he had anything to do with killing Conan’s dream. He blamed the network (as he should), and he blamed the low ratings of The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien. However, he couldn’t admit that he had anything to do with Conan leaving The Tonight Show. He didn’t seem to have any awareness that Conan’s ratings were low most likely as a direct result of the low ratings of The Jay Leno Show, as well as the very existence of Jay’s 10 p.m. show. As many have stated, when Leno hosted The Tonight Show, he had dramas such as Law and Order as his lead-in before the local news – shows that, as David Letterman said, keeps people staring at their TVs for days. Conan didn’t have that; Conan had as his lead-in the low-rated Jay Leno Show whose low ratings almost caused the NBC affiliates to revolt. If NBC didn’t have to remove Jay from 10 p.m., and if Jay had chosen to leave NBC, as one would have expected him to, NBC would never have put Leno back at 11:35 p.m. either to push back The Tonight Show to 12:05 a.m. or to remove Conan from The Tonight Show. Without The Jay Leno Show, The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien would have had better ratings and therefore would have remained on the air. In fact, even if for some other reason (such as the fact that it was a transition or the increased ratings Letterman got from his scandal) Conan’s ratings hadn’t been good enough, his Tonight Show still would have remained on the air. After all, Leno’s ratings weren’t good for his first three years on The Tonight Show, but NBC kept him on the air. Which brings me to…

2) Leno told Oprah that Conan has been removed because of Conan’s poor ratings. He also claimed that this was the first year in The Tonight Show’s 60-year history where it would lose money. However, if losing money translates to poor ratings, then Jay seems to have forgotten about his first three years on The Tonight Show, where he had poor ratings. No one watched Jay’s Tonight Show until Hugh Grant kindly granted him an interview (that was previously scheduled) after being arrested for prostitution usage. Three years of bad ratings, and NBC didn’t cancel Leno’s Tonight Show. Yet Leno seems to really believe that NBC is canceling Conan’s Tonight Show after seven months of bad ratings. It just doesn’t make sense. (Yes, I do realize NBC cancelled Leno’s 10 p.m. show after five months because of bad ratings, but that is only because of the damage he was doing to their affiliates. When Jay had bad ratings on The Tonight Show, I don’t believe it was affecting the affiliates in such a way.)

3) Jay whined to Oprah about Jimmy Kimmel’s alleged “sucker punch,” where Kimmel made a joke about the Conan-Jay brouhaha. Of course, as Jimmy explained, he thought that since Jay used to be a comedian, he could handle a joke made about him, and go with it, rather than continuing to robotically read cue cards and later rat Kimmel out to Oprah. So Jay whined about Kimmel making a timely and relevant joke about him, yet Jay felt there was nothing wrong with his own “joke” about Letterman, which, really, was a sucker punch…to Dave’s wife. Jay’s joke was in response to Dave’s relentless and hilarious Leno jokes and discussions since this began, and Jay felt that one joke in response to Letterman was sufficient. But Jay’s joke was personal, it was more hurtful to Dave’s wife than to Dave (I would think), it was not timely since the tale of Dave’s infidelity is no longer a current topic at all, and, most importantly, no one found it funny. I didn’t fid it funny, the audience responded with “Oooo”s, and Oprah made it clear that she did not find it funny, and that she felt the joke was beneath Jay. But Jay thought it was funny.

Maybe that’s the problem: Maybe Jay isn’t funny anymore because he just doesn’t know what is funny anymore.

How to Resolve NBC’s Late-Night Woes

(See updates at the end of this posting.)

Apparently the rumors were true – Jay Leno’s 10 p.m. show will be cancelled, and Jay will move back to 11:35 PM in the form of a half hour show, pushing back Conan O’Brien’s Tonight Show and Jimmy Fallon’s Late Night to 12:05 a.m. and 1:05 a.m. respectively, and canceling Last Call with Carson Daly. It’s a shame that Jay should be quasi-cancelled, but I can’t say that I’m surprised. They seem to be blaming the time slot for Jay’s rating loss and Jay’s bringing down of the network (forgive my exaggeration), but maybe it’s not the time slot, maybe it’s Leno.

While I have almost always preferred David Letterman to Leno (I only say “almost” because there was a time when I had no preference), I have always found Leno to be funny and talented. However, since he moved to 10 p.m. – or maybe it started while he was still at the Tonight Show – he’s become less funny, in my opinion. His monologues, based on the few I’ve seen in recent times, contain a large proportion of predictable and unfunny jokes. He’s lost something, perhaps a slight edginess, perhaps in an attempt to cater to larger and earlier audience. Alternatively, perhaps it is my comedic tastes that have changed. After all, I have become obsessed with the refined and highly intelligent hilarity of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. But then again, I still find David Letterman and Conan hilarious, as well as Chelsea Handler and Jimmy Kimmel (whom I unfortunately don’t watch as often as I would like to). So perhaps it isn’t me, after all.

While on the subject of late night comedians who don’t seem funny to me, I don’t understand the appeal of Jimmy Fallon. Sure, he’s cute, he was funny in his SNL days, and he’s likeable. However, I just don’t find him funny on Late Night. In his defense, I’ve only seen about two episodes, but I found both painfully unfunny, with only brief moments of mild laughter, as opposed to my excessive outbursts of laughter while watching the funny shows I mentioned. Jimmy Fallon’s monologues should really be better – a monologue in that format is essentially just SNL’s Weekend Update standing up, and as I mentioned, Jimmy Fallon was funny when he hosted Weekend Update. His monologues are…just…boring.

Getting back to Leno, while I don’t like that NBC and Leno are trying to screw over Conan and Jimmy Fallon by pushing them “deeper into the night” as David Carr said in The NY Times, it would really be a shame to see Leno leave the TV. As I said, he was funny, and I think he still has it in him to be funny again. In fact, I know he still has it in him because traces of his comedic talents are evident in Headlines, and in the interview segments of his show.

It seems that Leno is continuing his tradition of screwing over former Late Night hosts who seek to host The Tonight Show. First, he sneakily stole The Tonight Show from Letterman, its rightful heir, and now he and NBC are seeking to push The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien to 12:05 a.m., which, (according to this NY Post article) as Seth Meyers said on Weekend Update, is “no longer ‘tonight.’”

According to the NY Post article mentioned above, Conan has not yet made a decision regarding what he will do, though he is considering these comical concepts. Letterman also had a fun idea that I saw after thinking of this rather brilliant idea: Perhaps Leno could co-host Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Perhaps two formerly funny people turned unfunny could together become funny once again. And what better place for Leno to re-gain his hilarity than on the set of Late Night, where David Letterman gave him a platform to showcase his funnies so many years ago. Clearly, the irony and the poetic justice would also be fun, in that Leno would be effectively demoted to Letterman’s old stomping grounds after Leno (from what I recall from The Late Shift by Bill Carter) sneakily and back-stabbingly pilfered The Tonight Show that was rightfully Dave’s.

In all seriousness, the best solution would probably be to leave Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Fallon, and Carson Daly alone, and to leave Jay Leno in his 10 p.m. time slot. The poor ratings could probably be fixed if Jay stopped kissing up to people, stopped catering to what he thinks the earlier audience wants, and just return to his formerly funny self. Instead of fixing the problem with Leno’s 10 p.m. show, NBC is creating more problems and drama that really is unnecessary. As NBC executive Jeff Gaspin stated (according to the same NY Post article mentioned above), a change such as a 10 p.m. comedy talk show will likely take time to obtain the degree of success the network and its affiliates hope for. I learned that from Howard Stern’s rants in years past, when he would point out the idiocy of radio and probably TV executives who have no patience and don’t seem to understand that changes take time to reach success – that success doesn’t happen over night.

UPDATE January 13, 2010: Conan has admirably decided not to accept NBC's demotion to 12:05 a.m., explaining that it would destroy both The Tonight Show and Late Night.

UPDATE January 19-20, 2010: It looks like this is Conan's final week on The Tonight Show, since all that's left are the minor details of Conan's exit from the evil claws of NBC, who will reportedly be paying Conan and his staff a nice severance of $40 million and allowing him to find work elsewhere. Jay Leno will likely get to steal back The Tonight Show (which is nice since Jay likes to steal things). Leno discussed his thoughts on the subject, of course acting as if he is a blameless saint, as he always does, going so far as to encourage people not to blame Conan, which, as David Letterman correctly and hilariously pointed out, no one has been doing. Leno acted similarly in 2004 as well, when he clearly stated that he would gracefully pass on The Tonight Show to Conan in 2009. But at the time, he neglected to mention that he would ungracefully take it back in 2010.

I feel bad contributing to the Leno hatred, even if he is deserving of it due to his continued back-stabbing and sneaky behavior. The fact is, the real problem is NBC and the idiot executives who work there (it seems Jeff Zucker would be the biggest idiot of them all, based on what everyone is saying). If they had just listened to me and 1) asked Leno to be funny again and 2) kept things the way they were, in time, the ratings might have improved, or at least they could then say they tried. If they had given The Jay Leno Show at 10 p.m. and The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien an appropriate amount of time to settle in, then at least they could say they honored Conan O'Brien's and Jay Leno's contracts...in an honorable way.

UPDATE January 22, 2010: Conan’s severance deal with NBC has been finalized. He will receive $33 million and his staff will receive $12 million. Conan’s final Tonight Show will be tonight, and Leno will return to The Tonight Show on March 1, 2010. Conan will not be permitted to have a competing show until September 2010, and he is forbidden from speaking ill of NBC after he leaves, but Letterman kindly assured us last night that he can and will continue to make fun of NBC.

UPDATE April 15, 2010:  I watched Jimmy Fallon on Late Night a couple of times more recently than when he premiered as well as on The Marriage Ref, and I'm happy to say, he has become funny again.  Also, I like The Marriage Ref, despite people's criticisms of it; I enjoy watching funny celebrities talking and arguing with each other.  Finally, Jay Leno is still not funny.

Double Standards

Tiger Woods and his wife (Elin Nordegren) have provided a real-life alleged example demonstrating the point that I made in a previous blog posting, when the former appeared to have been scratched and beaten with a golf club by the latter before and/or after an alleged car accident, allegedly resulting from an alleged argument between them regarding Woods’ alleged adulterous affairs. The alleged domestic violence portion of all this was denied by Tiger Woods, and dropped quickly by the Florida Highway Patrol, according to this article from The Examiner.

Ironically, Chris Brown (of all people) actually made a nice point (see the Examiner link above) regarding the double standard in our society that I delineate in my discussion of Pink’s lyrics in the above-mentioned blog posting. Our society seems to be significantly less harsh on female perpetrators of domestic violence than male ones. If this situation were reversed, would an investigation of Tiger Woods’ hypothetical alleged violence toward his wife end so quickly? Would the world be so focused on Elin Nordegren’s hypothetical alleged affairs, or would the world be unwaveringly focused on the domestic violence?

Regarding Woods’ affairs, as I’ve said regarding David Letterman’s affairs, it isn’t our business. It is unquestionably wrong, but it is not our business. If Elin Nordegren did assault Woods, that is the real issue. As immoral and despicable as adultery is, assault, even for the sake of vengeance, is far more immoral and criminal. The infidelity of a celebrity is not our business, particularly when that celebrity has spent his public life protecting his and his family’s privacy. If his wife did assault him, he is a victim; if he were a woman, more people might recognize that, and perhaps the investigation into whether domestic violence occurred might have at least appeared more thorough, or might have taken longer than four days to be completed.

If the situation were reversed, the investigation would not have ended so quickly, and people wouldn’t be so focused on the wife’s hypothetical alleged affairs. The world would be making proclamations of “so what if she had affairs, that doesn’t excuse violence against her.” The same should be true in this alleged situation.