4 ways to Make Lots of Money!

I read somewhere that when using Google Adsense (I mean Topeka Adsense), the higher paying ads are the ones about money and commerce. This amused me. I guess the old adage is true: You have to [use] money to make money.


So I decided to sell out (pun intended of course) and write a blog posting about making money.

I can think of four ways to get lots of money:

1) Work really hard. This doesn’t always work, but it will probably make you a better person. Unless you become a workaholic, or alienate the people you love and who love you for the sake of working hard. If that’s the case, then it will be your downfall.

2) Be born into a family that already has lots of money. This is the easiest way of going about getting lots of money. But it might make you a worser person (hahahahahaha, get it?) Or maybe it won’t. I guess that’s up to you, if you decide to be born into money.

3) Screw people over, in a Madoffian (Madovian?) manner. You could make lots of money, but you might lose it all and end up in prison for 150 years. Additionally, you’ll be a horrible person. The world will hate you. This is probably not the best route for making lots of money.

4) Be lucky and win the lottery. If you succeed in this unlikely event, this is a great way to make money. However, as with any money-making technique, this can lead to terrible things like greed or the money consuming you, or worse, you could (SPOILER ALERT) end up on some crazy island like Hurley did in Lost after he won the lottery. But then again, maybe that island is a blessing for Hurley and the others, and maybe also the Others.

I imagine there might be other ways to make money as well. For example, you could win a big lawsuit or a big settlement in a lawsuit. However, that would technically require that you (or your lawyer) work hard in the lawsuit, so that would fall under the category of working hard for the money (so you better be treated right). It might also require some good luck, and could thus fall into the “Being Lucky” category as well.

You might think there are ways to make money that require work that is easy, or that don’t require any work at all. However, difficulty is relative, so if something is easy for you, it might be hard for someone else, and so it still fits in the category of working hard. Similarly, if something doesn’t feel like work to you, because it’s so easy or you simply enjoy it, that is also relative – you might not have to put any effort into something, but someone else might struggle with the same thing, and you might enjoy something, but someone else might not,.

Perhaps you might be thinking that another way to get money would be via theft. However, this could fit into two of the categories above: screwing people over and working hard. In fact, screwing people over could itself fit into the working hard category, so perhaps it is redundant. Anyway, with theft, you’re obviously screwing someone over, though not exactly in a Madoffian way, for the latter was probably a bit more creative than simply robbing someone and also the latter involved screwing over a large number of people. I think it’s clear, however, how the two methods fit in the same category.

Both of these screwing-people-over methods of getting money also fit into the working hard category; all the scheming, planning, and preparing for any of the ways to screw people over (Madoffian or more traditional theft) all require hard work. Arguably, it’s not hard work at all, but then we’re back to the relative nature of difficulty. Theft might be easy for some people, but it might be difficult for other people, particularly people who come equipped with consciences. In addition to conscience-ridden people, another example of someone who might feel that theft is hard work would be a shy individual. I imagine it would be rather difficult for a shy person to go up to someone and rob them – they might have to talk to their victim, and if the robber is overcome with stage fright, they might not succeed in their endeavors to screw someone over. Therefore, the robber would have to work really hard to conquer his or her shyness and fears. It’s clear then, the screwing-people-over method of getting money should fall into the category of working hard, and it is therefore a redundant category. However, since I am lazy, I will leave it as a separate category above and continue to claim that there are four ways to make money.

Perhaps being lucky is also a redundant category. After all, in order to win the lottery, you have to play the lottery, and in order to do that, effort (to buy lottery tickets) and pre-existing money are necessary. However, if one were truly lucky, then buying a lottery ticket wouldn’t be difficult, rendering the relative nature of difficulty irrelevant given luckiness. Therefore, being lucky shall remain a separate category, irrelevant of my lazy inclinations.

I should mention that these methods of getting money have some degree of uncertainty. For example, you could work really hard, but make very little money, or no money at all, or you could be a really lucky person, but you might only be lucky in more sentimental ways rather than fiscally. (Does that make sense? Should I have said “financially”? I don’t care, “fiscally” sounds more fun.) You could screw people over, but the people you screwed over might not have much money for you to steal. You could be born into money, but your family might be very stingy in life and then not bequeath any of the money to you. Therefore, my methods of getting money are not guaranteed methods. Also, they are void where prohibited. (What? That doesn’t even make sense.)

I’ve been discussing ways to get money, however my list o’ categories does not reflect keeping the money that is gotten. Keeping money is also important; if you use all the money you get, you won’t have anymore. However, keeping all of it is no fun, because what is the point of getting all that money if you don’t enjoy any of it. Swimming in your money like Uncle Scrooge would probably get boring eventually. It’s important to find a nice balance between saving money and using it for nice things and survival – well, survival is also a nice thing, but you know what I mean.

I like money. It’s a good thing to have around. However, it can also be evil – the root of all evil, in fact. Furthermore, it’s dirty – everyone touches it with their germy hands. That’s why credit and debit cards are better: they’re touched by fewer people. I’m a germaphobe.

I hope this has been helpful in your endeavors to make or get lots of money! Good luck, and when you do, share some with me!

DISCLAIMER: Don’t steal things or otherwise screw people over – it’s wrong, there are consequences that are not good, and you will suffer them in some way, even if your just deserts are served later on, or if it’s in the form of guilt, for that guilt will defeat you.